Games Review

It has come to my attention that some people find my writing style a little raw. I have had numerous people mention how offensive they find me, how wrong it is to make fun of disabled people, and how disgusting it is that I find considerable entertainment in women of low moral virtue. I have absolutely no intention of changing any of that, but I thought it might be nice to explain a little.

For starters, let's talk about retards. Right off the bat, as soon as I use the r-word, some of you cringe a little, especially when I actually come right out and say, 'retard,' as opposed to 'retarded kid' or 'people of diminished capacity.' And honestly, part of the fun is knowing that the shock value makes you a little uncomfortable. It's like you laugh, and then you feel guilty for laughing, and then you feel a little guilty for reading this website at all (that, or you don't ever come back, in which case you are probably not reading this right now).

That guilty laughter is the part of you that wants to desperately conform to society's standards of grace and etiquette being in direct conflict with the part of you that wants to find amusement in things that are objectively funny. You don't want to laugh because you don't want to upset some touchy-feely ACLU sub-group, but honestly, when a kid can't catch a football without letting it bounce off his head, that's funny. If the kid was the star quarterback, you would be in stitches.

Some people are offended simply by the word 'retarded'. Ironically, in 1975, that's just what you called 'em. Then we change it to be 'special', only now you can't tell people they're special, either. So now it's 'differently abled' or 'delayed,' and ten years from now, those will all be profanity, too. And they'll be profanity because, let's face it, they mean something bad. I'm not going to continue to update my lexicon just so that I can avoid damaging the finer sensibilities of lily-livered people who would rather lie to themselves and keep coming up with ways to say 'slow in the head.'

Also, there's a difference between mocking one retard and mocking retarded people as a group. The Ringer, where Johnny Knoxville competes in the Special Olympics, is like a two-hour retard joke - but it also made retarded people as a whole far more human, and presented them as individuals, each with different personalities and lives and senses of humor. If I see people picking on a kid because he's a potato-head, I'll be a Holy Avenger. I'll be the hammer of righteous retribution. There's a big difference between laughing at amusing behavior and outright cruelty. Saying that a game is stupid enough to be enjoyable by retarded kids is one thing; picking at one particular child is outright horrid. But it's just as dehumanizing to lump all retarded people under one untouchable umbrella of pity. They're people, and I'll laugh at anyone if they're funny.

In fact, when I was a kid, I had a retarded cousin. He knew damned well that he was funny, and he couldn't stand for people to pretend he was just like everyone else. He wanted to be treated like a person, not a disability. People who would pretend he could be president just pissed him off. He didn't want pity or false promises of a bright future. Compassion and understanding, sure, but never, ever pity. Sadly, he was also a dick, but that was just his personality, and had nothing to do with his basement-level IQ.

So as long as we've settled why I'm not going to quit making jokes about rubber helmets and sippy cups, let's move on to easy women. I like making references to dirty women because I like sex. This also goes back to the shock value amusement factor - you laugh, but you're not sure you should. And you don't think it's OK to discuss women who actually enjoy sex because somewhere along the way, someone taught you that sex was bad, and that women who liked it were possessed of no moral code. That's stupid. Women like sex. So do men. Men like women who like sex. Pretending that's not true is ridiculously immature.

Furthermore, just because I find easy women fascinating does not mean I spend a lot of time with them. I confess that I have known women who were prostitutes (though I never enjoyed their services), and I have likewise known several girls who were not the least bit opposed to one-night stands (I have also never had a one-night stand, though that's not for lack of trying in my rambunctious youth). However, I have been married more than 15 years now, and my days of easy women have long since passed (and were rather unimpressive in the first place). But just because I do not seek the company of loose women does not mean I don't find them fascinating. And given the popularity of shows like Cathouse, Real Sex and the entire booming porn industry, I don't think I'm the only one.

Basically, I would like for people to be more honest. You don't have to make fun of a retard to find the Special Olympics a little funny. You can still admire the ass on a hot dame in a tight dress without feeling the need to run over and grab her boobs. Drugs exist, and booze, and venereal disease and cancer and cerebral palsy. If my tasteless jokes make you even a little more willing to come to grips with the fact that life is not as sanitized as you might like it to be, that a clear mind can exist in a filthy world, then maybe you're a little better off. Hiding from the ugly truth does not make it go away. It just makes you less prepared to deal with reality when it crashes through your door. It might not be as comfortable as a cocoon of cultural sensitivity, but it's better than pretending that the entire world is as whitewashed as your own little suburban kitchen.

Plus it's funny. This isn't me laughing at my own jokes - I get a lot of feedback from people who laughed right out loud at some of my more raucous humor. And so if you're disgusted, angry, or offended, if you turn up your nose at my guttered mind and filthy mouth, if you wish I would just disappear and take all my toilet humor with me, then you can step right up and kiss my hairy ass.